Reaching Out
Learning to fly, involves a lot of hitting the ground...
“I am reminded of a moment a few days earlier, where I entered the rushing water of the Atlantic , naked and stood there, as wave after wave fell over me. No story true, neither the one about me doing well, nor the one about me being a failure, not the story of being a bad person, nor a good person, nor the story that I was stellar woman, nor the one that I was not going to change anything. I just was, with no story, sensations washing through me, some how still standing on the shifting sandy ground”.
The WOE fund goes like this: there is no pool of money, instead flowers (other women) flow money to a receiver to enable her to take her next steps in growing up, stepping into her and delivering her non material value to the world….
…if MONEY is a reason stopping a woman from going through the trainings, the initiations, or any of the steps she needs to take, so she can bring her value fully into the world. Then other women can flow her finances to enable her to do so.
I recently came to a standstill where, I had no clue on what to do next. I am writing a Book on Janet Redmond among other projects.
I had the necessity to travel to New Zealand to attend one of Janet’s Trainings Building Communication Bridges, to connect again with the purpose of my writing … and I did not have the funds to buy the tickets.
I found myself in a place where it seemed like I had a lot of work to do… things to handle, but really very little was bringing me money.
Now enter… The Women Of Earth Fund. An application for a loan to buy plane tickets. For starters I was scared. My experience of being at the Women Of Earth Lab in June was life changing. It was a space of radical clarity and fierce love, honesty and NO BULLSHIT. It fed me deeply and Archetypally as a woman. To be in a space where I could go deeply into the darkest parts of being a woman with other women and source a context that lived and breathed through each other’s radiance. And at the same time it leaves absolutely no room for playing small, making excuses, and retreating into survival mode…
… I had over the course of my travels, retreated into survival mode.
I was scared to lay out how I am sourcing scarcity in my life into the WOE container. And I did it, as I longed to get an accurate picture of where I am right now so as to find my next step.
I write now to make visible the process I went through as I truly sense it is one of the most extraordinary processes I have been, and continue to be, in.
First I answered in writing the question “How are you blocking funds?”. Immediately, it was clear that this was a different game being played.
Second, I had a recorded zoom call with one Woman, Lisa Ommert. Who invited me to open the space with my proposal.
Already I was crumbling, Scared and almost frozen stiff. How on earth do I ask for money? ALL the stories I have running about my value, my worthiness, being a scumbag, suddenly flooded me totally… “you pathetic piece of shit, wasting this smart amazing Woman’s time, just shut up and get back in your cage”, that was one voice nailing me in that moment.
Honestly not much came out of my mouth except “I have no idea how to have this conversation”. The Woman in front of me invited me to breathe, come into my center, she waited, un bothered, the emptiness not at all a problem for her.
I felt my sadness rise hot and warm under my skin and tears pooled in my eyes. I started speaking. We were there for just over one hour. In that time, we uncovered my X on the map in terms of how I source scarcity and make sure I do not receive money. I had a handful of EHPs to go through, and a clear distinction on my child ego state vs my adult. As well as the practicalities:
Amount needed,
Creating my team,
How long to pay back,
… and next steps…
What struck me in that call was that although emotions were bubbling and clouding in on me, Lisa delicately named them, suggested I write them down and kept going, not making me wrong, nor pretending it was not happening. Being on the receiving end of that sort of clarity from another Woman is powerful. It made space in me for something else, another way to interact with the world. Another way to be, another way to bring my value. She was with me, not against me.
After the call, I had a sensation of being grounded in my body, facing the world right here. Right now, I checked what needed checking and handled things.
In telling this story I already am at a loss of what pieces to offer up to you. Over the next couple of days Lisa wrote up and posted my proposal to the Women of Earth. Then women started flowing money to me, it was like the world was lifting up under my feet. It was like a network that I sensed was there but could never quite touch was coming to life. And with it came another message:
“This Fund is not crowdfunding. This is not a bank. This is not charity. It is an in-between step between now and becoming the person who can source whatever money is needed for the service of your Archetypal Lineage.”
Fuck, reality crashes like a wave on my shores.
A rock lands heavy in my stomach. Whatever I have just started is not at all about putting a plaster over any wounds nor hiding anything under the carpet nor pretending,
The message continues:
“Commiting to going through transforming yourself in such a way that you do not create the money conditions you currently create means starting to deliver Rage Clubs. You are an initiation midwife, so it is time to start delivering initiation spaces, Rage Club, Fear Club, start holding your own Possibility Team, your own witches circle, instead of relying on other people’s. This means a lot of EHPs and going to your edge”.
I gulp, the blood leaves my body, what have I started? All that is clear to me at that moment is that whatever I am doing next, I am NOT doing it alone, it continues:
“Right now I do not trust that you would go through every single process and experiment necessary for you to change the situation of living in money scarcity that you currently source”.
The reality of what I had just chosen, the path I found myself on settles close to my bones and I slowly stand up from the table I am at. I start walking the 5 km back to the place I am staying. The world spinning around me, me in it, part of it, yet still somehow at a loss to what IT really is. I am reminded of a moment a few days earlier, where I entered the rushing water of the Atlantic , naked and stood there, as wave after wave fell over me. No story true, neither the one about me doing well, nor the one about me being a failure, not the story of being a bad person, nor a good person, nor the story that I was stellar woman, nor the one that I was not going to change anything. I just was with no story, sensations washing through me, some how still standing on the shifting sandy ground.
I quietly make my way through the streets of the Portuguese town, young people with surf boards tucked under their arms waft past me, heading in the opposite direction. I look at them, I want to tell them that anything is possible, I want to scream at them that the whole world is up for them to design, I want to show them their heart, unfold their aliveness, I want to grab their ankle leashes and unplug them…. And at the same time I long to join them, I long the turn and waft down into the ocean wrapped in a rubber suit, oblivious to the seed of something inside me….
Instead I set up a time to go through an EHP, a space to go into me and unfold what I thought I could never say, to feel what I could not feel.
Instead I open up the Excel spreadsheet from Lisa, and methodically type in every Woman who has flowed me money, how much and by when I pay them back. Then, send a flurry of messages to women I want on my team as I walk forward into some nameless future. A future where Archetypal initiation into Womanhood is possible yet it is not a given. A world waiting for me and one that will only reveal its self as I walk forward, closer to my essence, sharper than a razor and clearer than a lone whistle on the air of a frosted morning.
As I write now, my flights are booked and I am waiting for the outcome of a visa application to transfer in Vietnam. I will be at the Building Communication Bridges workshop for my 30th Birthday in New Zealand and I continue to write the book I committed to at the beginning of this year.
Mostly I want to Show You That choosing to go in a direction that is closer to your own heart is possible and worth it. That choosing to be engulfed by life, incorporated into life and living from inside of yourself is possible and messy and enlivening and everything you can imagine it is. There is both a clarity and a chaos to choosing to radically walk in your own direction.
Really it is time, to not go alone, instead to open in meaty vulnerability and show the world who you really are and maybe in that openness you find a shape to your own movement across this earth in this life time, more authentic to your innate design than you could ever plan for yourself.
*Note: the quotes in bold italics are from one Evolutionary Midwife, who WILL radically be at any Woman’s side as she steps into herself, she will not let Women walk forward into fantasy worlds, her name is Vera Franco and if you ever need awake up call, go and find her.
