Horses, Healing and Being

Come Towards

“Run”. This word is strong in me. I have found myself many times leaving, fast, exiting, going. The little mare in front of me said this too. She said “NO, you have nothing for me, I have the whole field, all the horses, I have the breath in my lungs, the earth beneath my hooves, I have my foal at my side, I have the blood in muscles - I do not need you”. I heard all this and I let it move through me and I waited. There was something else too.

There was an unless.

I am transported back in time. To a time when I too was bridled and I had no idea how or when I just new I did not choose it.

Unlike this little mare, my bridle was not made of leather - it was made of my own feelings, emotions and old stories that I had no idea what to do with. So I did what I had always done - I would leave.

I used this until my body’s quiet warning sounds had become screams and I knew it was time to choose something else. I hardly recognised kmyself, I did not know what I wanted, my dreams had become far off fantasies, to be tiredly longed for in a quiet moment - not things to be spoken about nor pursued.

Anxious? Burnt out? Lost? no, not me, I function, I get things done, I fix things, I achieve, I persevere, I study and figure things out - I. DO NOT. BREAK. DOWN. Superior, clever, fit, untouchable, sorted.

That was me. Until I wasn’t.

The process of learning to turn towards people is plaited tightly with my process of learning to feel my feelings. Of living the reality that my feelings are what make me Human - not a Monster

This process happens both in an instant and it is slow and painful. Two years later, the lessons are still settling deeper into my system, wiring the “stay”, deeper into me. Rewiring the “oh my gosh I am going to die” to “I can feel this too”.

One of the first lessons I learnt was that “feelings are feelings, they are not good or bad, they simply are”.

This little horse in front of me was reminding me of all this. Her fear was rising high, in her system, this meant run, leave this place, go, quickly. I new this mechanism well. I kept my energy, low, I did not attempt to pull her closer to me or move closer to her. I simply waited, she relaxed, then turned her ear towards me, I smiled and took a step back. Easing the pressure.

There was a time when I could not stay in contact with anyone if I was scared. A few things would happen:

1) I would freeze and plaster a fake smile on my face and any question directed at me would be replied with either “good.. I’m fine”

or,

2) ignore others completely

or,

3) I would physically get up and leave the space, leave the room, leave the house, leave the city … even leave the country.

As this mare and I continue or gentle dialogue I stay with her. I let her find her own way and I respond to her slightest offers of contact with me. In this way she learns. She learns that her language is being heard, that she is part of creating the relationship and most importantly there is a pleasure in creating this.

This is how it is with learning to feel my feelings and stay in contact with people. As I learn to stay in my body with my feelings and to speak from them, I find a deeper connection with myself and others that I was totally unaware of before. To me this is ecstasy and as I lift my gaze to the little mare in front me, I notice her full attention on me, I reach out my hand and lay it on her forehead, she allows this and relaxes under my touch. Joy fills my cells. I unclip the rope and leave her.

Thank you.