Gentle Men And Patriarchy
“Within a patriotic system, men are just as oppressed as women.”
When I first came across this claim, my cognitive wheels whirred. “Wait, I don’t get it”
I argued:
“Is Patriarchy not designed by men to serve men with out care of the cost to other inferior genders and life forms?”
I had fooled myself into believing that men’s perpetuation of the “tough guy” masks, “I got this” swagger and “no problem, mate” attitude was them fully endorsing this system of social organisation. I had, wrongly assumed that each individual man had consciously built then chosen to play full out in a system that encourages their domination and scorns their gentle care and softness.
I was very wrong.
Why Play Then?
There are certain eases for both men and women living in a world, top heavy with men. There are certain conversations that do not need to be had as the agreed power structure and assigned gender roles, handles this for us.
As a social institution, gender is a process of creating distinguishable social statuses for the assignment of rights and responsibilities. As part of a stratification system that ranks these statuses unequally, gender is a major building block in the social structures built on these unequal statuses. — Judith Lorber.
Individual responsibility can be avoided by adopting a hierarchical power structure. Then this structure can be used as the framework for any tough decisions that need to be made. This removes the need to creatively collaborate — intellectually, physically, emotionally and energetically as authentic adults.
This is convenient as it removes the need to be a grown up adult with thoughts, feelings, ideas, impulses, and an essential part to play in leading change.
It also removes the need to feel any feelings that arise when fully showing up and negotiating what you want.
This is a big topic. And I want to crack it wide open.
What is Patriarchy?
Patriarchy is a system of relationships, beliefs, and values embedded in political, social, and economic systems that structure gender inequality between men and women. Attributes seen as “feminine” or pertaining to women are undervalued, while attributes regarded as “masculine” or pertaining to men are privileged. — Catherine. J Nash
Our culture has its roots in industrialisation. A process that relied on Men showing up as the clean cut Man that “did the hard yards”. Currently we live in the shadow of these origins. Consequently, the forces that informed industrialisation continue to inform our education systems and the ways in which we socially organise ourselves. This means that men are still systematically being indoctrinated into a culture that is destroying them and our planet. By its nature patriarchy is destructive, violent and a death sentence to the creative life force hidden be-hide the mask men (and women) are taught to wear.
Because of this, we as a society are frighteningly inept at witnessing, holding and being with men just as they are. Too often the conversation goes:
“All good, mate?”
“yep, you?”
“yep”.
I currently live with my father and my 13 year old brother, I love them both very much. My brother will start high school next year. I feel scared to write a road map of his inevitable numbness and masking up. I also can not ignore what it is that our society does to young men.
When men are expected to step into the world and “cope”, “not feel” and especially “never cry”, they have to partly die. They have to cut part of themselves off, put it away… hide in many ways. Men are expected to lock themselves in a cage of “Resiliency” “staunchness” and “I got this-ness”. I feel really sad about this.
Why Fight for the Men?
My brother wrote yesterday on our shared Ideas Wall: “make more youtube videos with more emotions”.
Read that again.
A 13 year old boy senses something is amiss, a lacking somewhere, a shallowness, a part of the story not being told — a massive gap in his world. He listens to the words spoken …. and hears what goes unsaid. A gap he knows, in his bones, that he can speak directly into. He can see the complete lack of feeling in the youtube content he is presented with AND in the culture breathes. He has decided to do something about this. My heart softens and I whisper one word — loud and clear, “Go, brother”.
This is what a Warrior looks and sounds like in 2023. A young leader, a boy of 13 stepping out into the wide world with football, phone and feelings turned on. The revolution is here. I am left with the question seared deep into my heart: “in order for him to be that which only he can be — who do I, as his sister, need to become ?”
Firstly, I need to let the patriarchy inside me crash and burn. I need to be honest about how I am benefitting from this oppressive system. Disentangle myself from it and stand vulnerable in my own adult skin.
I need to be honest about the ingrained expectations I carry, unconsciously as a woman, about how men should be, act and treat me. I need to remove these. I doing so I set both myself and men free. To see them as beings — not as an abstract, gender role performance.
This is scary because when I do, I feel a huge fear. I am scared of being seen, I am scared of the potential that men carry in this world. A wild, power, a force to experience and when I let myself be fully present with this, I am scared of what I am capable of also.
What happens when I remove my expectations that “men should be predictable, be able to fix everything, never give up because they are tired, not feel as much as women, never react, be steady, provide things and keep me safe”?
First of all I come face to face with beautiful, chaotic possibility. Then the more interesting question rises — what is a man? More importantly, “who is this being in front of me right now?”
From there I can look into his eyes, into his heart and see him as he is right now, as the whole, unique, talented, loving, sensitive, compassionate, intelligent, creative, wild, gentle, warrior that he is, and let that lead the way.
Each step I take to let hierarchical power structures fall away from me, I offer the possibility for someone else to do the same. And as we do, slowly the bark peels back, and waiting beneath this husk — a fresh new skin, ready to meet our men of tomorrow in a whole new way.
Together we do this, one layer at a time.
